You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
