Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
