i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
