woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
