So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
