did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
