Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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