im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
