I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
