New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.