respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
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Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.