I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wear drunk well.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
