Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
