I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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