were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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