If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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