I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
