the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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