if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
