best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
God, I missed his penis.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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