Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
