Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
