better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
