My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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