There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
