3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
