i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
