Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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