we have pet lesbian snakes
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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