Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
