Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
