i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
