if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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