y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
