I puked a lego.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
