I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
