The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
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i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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