no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
