Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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