we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
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SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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