Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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