Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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