I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
