meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
