Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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