Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
