I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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