If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I looked at my own cervix.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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