...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
