pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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