I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
