All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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