this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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