Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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