You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
