He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
