i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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