I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
