you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
