he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
