Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
